I broke.

Finally... I broke.

You know what sucks though? What's unfair on others' parts? What haunting reasons that if revealed could prove all worries null and void?

My life since high school graduation has been nothing but a big, roaring tornadoesque blur. Time flies by like a bullet train, and it's either you get on board or get left behind.

I've been on board for a long time, my stance always confidently and firmly planted on the ground, smirking at those who could barely keep up. I enjoyed the thrill of being able to keep up and the exhilaration of juggling so many things at the same time.

Until I realized... and then everything fell apart.

I felt unhappy and upset all the time, when on the surface it seemed like I had no reason to be. Why should I? Happiness was gained through achievement after achievement. They always came in short bursts of ecstatic delirium, and then poof... gone. Until the next one came about.

What happened to true happiness? Why do I feel so empty, like there's something so much more than what I need, want, and have to do?

Why is it, that, suddenly, I feel this inherent need to be with my family - something that many had assumed was not important to me in the past?

Failure. Such a powerful word. The funny thing about one of my defining phobias is that I absolutely despise falling into that pit, yet the fear of it is the very reason why I am now.

And what's honestly embarrassing? The mere fact that I'm actually succumbing into this, becoming this pathetic person it's upsetting even myself.

But I'm hurting, hurting so much inside... I can't even pinpoint the exact cause of this pain, these unpleasant feelings attacking in piercing doses that shakes the very core of what makes me, me.

A few days ago, I dreamt. My dream had no central plot, nor general substance. All I remembered from it was the emotions resulting from it; I was angry. I woke up feeling SO ANGRY. Unexplainable, soul-wrenching anger.

Why am I feeling this way? Why has it become such a recurring thing? Why do I feel so unfulfilled and just... basically, in need for drastic change?

This mental strength I had built up from ages ago? I'd hate, more than anything, to watch it crumble.

Btw, that's a cheesecake I'm holding, which I left in the pantry because we couldn't finish the whole thing.

It started smelling like durians the next day.

1) I love 'thriving' under pressure. Or attempting to. Even if I don't exactly.. .thrive.

2) I have this incessant love - hate relationship with Mathematics. I hate you. But when I get the answer.... yes.

3) The internet becomes much, MUCH more interesting when I have work to do. Like... now. But I like to call it taking a mental break from Maths exercises.

4) I miss my old teachers. So much.

5) I love Maths.

6) I haven't been stressed out of my mind, yet. Mostly because I refuse to let the workload go to me... by refusing to do the work. HAHA I kid, I kid.

7) I am a certified procrastinator - call me cliche or whatever, but I am. Look at me! Exams are in a WEEK. A WEEK, and what am I DOING?!!?! Out of the three months I haven't properly blogged, I'm doing it now??! In the midst of my academic turmoil? I suck so bad.

8) Maths. I look forward to the day when I don't have to slam you on the table and do you anymore.

9) God, IB is fun.

10) Have I mentioned I love the pressure?